STUDENT (Hawthorne) WRITES:

“As I mentioned before I have gone out with this girl 4 times now & I do enjoy her company but I’m not really into her physically. She’s just not my type, looks-wise, which is really too bad because she has great qualities. I met her at a meetup speed-dating event. She’s 42.

I worry that I am leading her on by not being upfront with her & I was planning on telling her there’s no spark. After talking with you today I don’t think I will do that.

Why do I think she likes me?
Invites me over to her place, we meet there twice before going out.
She asked about me & my family, very interested
On our third data she said “ok, I have some third date questions, what about your past relationships? you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want” or something like that.
Talks about future
I can tell by the way she looks at me or comments on my looks.

I didn’t sleep with her or anything like that, although I get the feeling she is open to that. In the past two weeks I feel like she has been filling a void in my life, (a relationship void?) I like going to dinner or a movie with her (she is well off financially & pays her way) also she is a psychologist & she is very interesting.

So I am a bit conflicted here. I would like to keep her as a friend & in the past this has not worked out. So I am wondering what you think? Thanks.

Letter #2

SO I just talked to her & we agreed to meet up on Sunday. She is inviting me over to her place for dinner or whatever unless I want to do something else. I do feel a little strange about this whole thing. When I called her tonight she said “I just had a feeling you would call tonight” She jokingly tells me how Brookline is the capital of single woman in their 40′s (maybe she’s not kidding). She definitely is into me & yet I feel only that she is a only friend. So yes, I’m glad I didn’t say anything about there not being a spark & all that. I hope I can go over there Sunday & we both just have a good time. I feel like if we have sex then everything changes & it would be that much harder to tell her I only want to be friends. She is an physiologist & when she started asking me about past relationships I kind of opened up a little about past anxiety issues & she is totally cool with that. I know she would make a nice friend so yes, I am a bit conflicted. I hope this doesn’t turn into an awkward situations on Sunday. It’s funny, here I should be excited this woman has invited me over for a nice time, movie, dinner, talking whatever & I feel so conflicted it’s like I’m not even looking forward to it. I would appreciate any thoughts you might have on this. Thanks.

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My Reply:

Ok Hawthorne, I’ll cover these[private] but it helps me understand what you are understanding when you explain back to me things I explain to you. That way I know better if I was clear and spoke of all the thoughts in my head about a topic (people frequently do not say everything in their thoughts about a topic. It is common to assume people know the thoughts we are having when talking).

I do not expect you to do exactly anything I tell you of, they are just suggestions of what I think of when I hear of your situations. No matter what you decide to do in any situation, I know how well I expressed my thoughts to you and how well you understand them. This helps for better teaching which leads to better learning.

In addition to that, in case you do decide to use ideas I tell you of, rewriting them in your own words solidifies the ideas in your mind to have them readily available in any situation that comes up similar that you chose to utilize them. (‘Own words’ engages the imagination)

Yes her comments do subtly indicate what you told me that you suspect of how she feels about you. Remember, the only parts you are responsible to show that you know are the facts laid on the table, not any possible interpretation of what can be read between the lines.

By the things she expresses being subtle, you can express things subtly too and no-one has to feel awkward, and this will also increase the likelihood that she will want to continue friendship with you since no embarrassment happens as if she said “Let’s be bf/gf” and you said “I’m not attracted to you in that way.”

As I explained on the phone You can mention early that you do love hanging out with her & why. At a separate time (before or after or even same time…whatever feels right), you can also offhandedly say you are casually dating girls (no need to be specific). At other times in the convo, you can even reiterate other reasons she is great to hang out with and mention fun things in the future you can be doing together (first free Friday MFA for example or whatever).

Mention those things in the future will subtly reenforce that you are serious about enjoying hanging out with her (now & in future) and not just saying so to be nice. This is great because although she heard what you say about casually dating or other women in your life, she can focus on enjoying the thoughts and plans of fun things in the future.

Even after you touch upon those topics, (you explain the value you have in her as a friend) don’t think sex is out of the question. Once you have placed all of your cards on the table, you were completely honest, if you do have sex, you were clear about what you want from the relationship. She knows that and is free to have sex too if that is what you both want in the moment.

Many girls like to have ‘friends with benefits’ and people like that in their life too. Especially if she isn’t in another relationship and knows where you stand, she can be clear about what is going on and make her choices knowing everything there is to know.

There is no ‘telling her one thing, so you can have sex’ as many guys may do. It can be surprising how often just the truth clears things up with no ‘smoke & mirrors. Not all girls have to have a committed monogamous partner in their life. If they really like the guy, as it seems she does like you, girls make compromises to have him at the level he likes. Personally, I have found girls at that age to be more likely to be OK with that, since they are (maybe) as not under the feeling they have to get married and have kids since their life has taken a direction without those up to this point. They seem to not need status-quo as much, but still enjoy good company in their life.

Every girl is different about this but I have found from previously dating girls her age, that some of them are perfectly fine even with an open relationship. The last girl of that age might have detected that is what I usually want from previous offhanded & subtle indications from conversations we had…but she was the one to bring it up first as a possible label to our relationship.

Regarding your closing thoughts, I see you have a lot to look forward to. Those types of relationships can be fulfilling on many levels for both involved. It seems the only thing you would have to feel conflicted about,…you have easy things to say to her to eliminate any negative feelings.

You are being true to yourself, and true to her. No matter what she wants before knowing what you want, she will respect you all the more for being honest about where you are, what you want too.

…and this doesn’t require any reading between her lines to have to give her an explicit denial, you can use what you have detected with your intuition and casually explain to her where things are at, pretty much in the same way but clearer.

Just being able to read through those things and send non-awkward massages back is what girls (and us as guys too) feel as chemistry, even on a friendship level….it really is a click.

But that’s just the way I see it from what you have told me so far and thinking of related experiences I have had & seen.

~C.J.

p.s. An additional value about you rewriting your synthesis of ideas in your own words: When done before a situation, this creates a sketch of a game-plan to be better in the mind to call parts up when they feel most appropriate. By rewriting them, they get better solidified to mind so they don’t have to be concentrated on so much until the times are right to say/do what you say/do when you say/do it.

You are more ready when the moments are upon you.

Like in other things as well, by taking some time to write out a sketch of a plan of what you would do when in a social situation with her, you don’t have to follow your plan in any exact order that you predicted, but you have ideas better in place when those times come up. …In addition to that, when similar things come up in the future, you already have an understanding of what to do next. [/private]

“You better cut the pizza into four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”

~Y. Berra