I recently heard a friend describe the fear one gets about approaching women is actually courage. He didn’t go much further than this but I thought it through in relation to what I have learned so far. Even well known gurus in pickup have said that it never goes away. I beg to differ in a way and I do this for several reasons.
The first one is that I don’t have it* when I approach girls (I’ll come back to this point). I tend to live most of my life on a very social basis. I love to flirt and that is not limited to just the hot girls I come across. I like to flirt with hot girls, with the old lady on the bus, with the mom wrestling with her kids at a shopping mall. I don’t see flirting as being a mode of communication that is strictly leading to pickup.
Flirting is that fun and playful conversation going on between people that has them both feeling good in the moment. Maybe I am behind an older lady at the liquor store. I may ask the clerk behind the counter if she has carded the lady yet. “I don’t know if she is quite 21 yet, you better check.” I may say.
You see, by just keeping it as a regular habit of talking to many people with whom I cross paths with, I don’t end up thinking much about it. Many times when I’ve gotten into conversation with a hot girl I don’t even realize that she is hot until a conversation is already rolling. At that point it’s much easier to just insert some sparks for attraction into our dynamic.
What does seem to come and go and I’m sure the details are different for everybody, but it is a feeling I get in my chest when I see some people in the direction I am going that a greeting and/or conversation could happen. I noticed this in me a long time ago and by identifying it was able to take steps to change what was going on.
That point I mentioned about my friend calling fear to be courage, I thought about it different way. We all have naturally in our biology something that has been referred to as a ‘flight or flight’ response. That being the case, that is all that feeling in my chest was. Initially it was a feeling that was not defined. When we as human beings have these sort of feelings we do what is necessary to make them go away.
The easiest way, which many of us do before we learn the difference (which is just as easy) is to do something that makes the feeling go away. In this case this would be avoiding the approach. The feelings subside and we have relief, therefore we do the same thing next time since this is what we learned will reward us (by making the feeling go away).
Back when I first noticed this feeling in myself and saw my first reaction was to avoid the interaction, I identified the result. I asked myself “I enjoy social interactions, why would I avoid this?” and I went on to take action. Every time that feeling would hit me, I would work with it and walk towards the people I saw, thinking of a nice greeting for that particular moment.
After some time went by with me taking those same actions every time I felt a feeling, some that started the form within me. I didn’t realize it at first since those feelings didn’t come to me every time a similar situation happened. But when I did, I was consciously taking the action that opposed my first instinct which was to avoid the people. My conscious action had me directing my steps to make sure I had an opportunity to greet them in some way and start a conversation. Then there came a point when I saw my ‘conscious competence’, my new habit of knowing what I wanted to do and doing it, turning into ‘unconscious competence’.
Unconscious competence is when we are doing the right thing without thinking about it. There are times now when I find myself walking towards a particular group of people and then noticing that same feeling in my chest for the first few steps but fading quickly. Now I was walking towards the people with a good feeling in me, almost a juice, a motivation that picked up my step and had me thinking of cool ideas to include in my greeting much quicker than I expected. A few simple conscious actions on my part had taken that same undefined feeling which previously marked itself as a fear and now had become my courage. It was my juice, my motivation, what pushed me into my zone.
The next part of this that I can explain has helped me to eliminate those are rational thoughts we get that tend to fuel our approach anxiety. It’s very simple and I have tried to plenty of guys who have told me the ways it has helped them too. It’s another part of installing a habit into yourself.
When I see a girl that I’d like to talk to even if some sort of hesitation comes to me, I asked myself: “Who is this girl to me? Who is she to my life, what effect my life does she have?” Before I have met her, the answer is ‘nothing’. So if I approach this girl, if I go to this girl and say hi things can only get better or they can stay the same. If I got to up this girl and we happen to click, then I have a new person in my life that I enjoy. Things would have gotten better.
If I go up to this girl and she tries to blow me off because she’s had a bad day or what have you, whereas me and this girl do not click and we go our separate ways than things have stayed the same. We did not know each other before I said hi. We had a few comments and then went our separate ways so we still do not know each other. Things have stayed the same.
In any situation where I see an opportunity to meet a new girl, “THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER OR THEY WILL STAY THE SAME.” Things cannot get worse. There can be no negative effects that can last longer than I choose to maintain the interaction. Tribal warriors are not going to jump out of the bushes and decapitate me for saying hi to this girl. This girl is not going to register my name on the huge database of: ‘Guys to reject.’ The girl & I can either click and trade info to maintain contact or we can go our separate ways never to think about each other again. “THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER OR THEY WILL STAY THE SAME” if I approach a new girl. That’s it.
There is a third part all of this*. If you remember the first part I mentioned, I told you that I don’t have approach anxiety. You’ll also remember that I told you of the feeling I identified in myself during certain situations. How is it that I can tell you of something I don’t have and still mention that?
The whole reason of this is because of a fantastic concept that I learned the truth of which is available to help us in so many areas of life. It’s how to work the main control board in our master computers that control our thoughts and emotions, our mind. The most powerful control panel and we have to take complete control of everything we think, we feel, we believe, our success rate is controlled by language.
First part is the language that we use with our self, in our head. A strikingly powerful part that works parallel with this is the language that we use out loud. What we say. There’s not a person or set of words on earth that we believe more than ourselves. Even when we believe someone else it’s because we believed ourselves first about what they say.
By controlling the language that a person uses with themselves and out loud they do control what they believe. We have a need for major congruency between this language and our actions feelings and beliefs. If our actions, feelings and beliefs are not harmonious with this language in ourselves, we will feel a major dissonance until we either change our actions, feelings, beliefs to match the language or we will change the language to match ourselves.
As I say “I never have approach anxiety”, whenever there is a time that I have those feelings I spoke of, I correct my actions, my interpretation of the feelings so everything is on the same page. If I thought for a second that it was approach anxiety, I first would think: “That’s not possible, I don’t have approach anxiety” so my first instinct would tell me it must be something else.
If there is a girl in front of me at the time, I may just approach her and say ‘hi’ to show myself that approach anxiety wasn’t it (see how it transfers to a motivation). So I first don’t believe it, then I take steps necessary to justify to myself that I was right. Then I am sure that my belief “I don’t have approach anxiety” is congruent with how I feel and what I do. As people, as human beings we don’t like those feelings of dissonance and will act quickly to reassure ourselves.