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Like fate, work with it.
If you notice a group of 2 or 3 women near the bar area, you can pretend to spontaneously notice them and wander over to get their vibe.
When she sees you walk over the exact second she sees you notice her, it all feels like clockwork. Use the insta-moment to your advantage.
getting her to be chasing you is not to have every conclusion taken care of yourself.
Some of the most key conclusions will be found by her, her own imagination and deduction based on what you have said to her.
Let’s say I just met a girl, some click was happening and it crosses my mind that I want to talk to her again. I think we should trade numbers or something, but all I say is:
“You seem like an interesting energy. If nothing else, you seem like you make a good friend. It is a shame that this is the last we’ll talk, gone forever.”
This way, since we were having a good time in conversation, she can already imagine the loss that happens after. She will also see that I am not (maybe just not yet) quick to find a solution to the newfound problem. I just expressed the feelings of loss from my perspective which she can now think about for herself.
I probably will just pause a bit after I said this but then start talking again about one of the fun discussion topics we were sharing. Here is the contrast. We both felt a bit of loss expecting that this is the last we will talk unless something more can happen.
Then right back to the fun energy we were just sharing so we both can compare the difference for a moment in our own minds. We are having a great time talking, yet after this moment is over, it will be gone forever.
I never have an exact order or formula since each situation has different aspects that guide what the next step should be, but maybe I would tell her about my Uncle Al’s perspective he shared when he was in the hospital his last time:
“Ya, when I visited him, he would be discussion a lot of the reflection he was doing about his own life. He knew the end was approaching and would talk through different parts of his life.”
“Al was a very successful guy, on his own terms. People thought he was most successful when he owned a restaurant yet his biggest love was horses. One day, he sold his restaurant, bought a few horses and started living his real dream in a real way. He went on for the rest of his life owning and racing the horses that everyone bet on at Suffolk Downs. As much of a dream catcher as he was, I learned one main thing from him as he talked about all parts of his life.”
She would usually ask what that was.
“In life, there is nothing we have done that we can regret. Even bad experiences had lessons in them that help guide our future steps to brighter places than would have been taken if we never learned the lesson, never had the ‘mistake’. The only thing we can regret are the things we wanted to do but didn’t yet. That changes my perspective in a lot of ways. The only difference between any dream and reality is a plan. If any single human being has reached a goal, that means any other person can also reach that same goal, by modeling the footsteps. I will never be a guy regretting what I shoulda, coulda, or woulda have done. I want to chase and catch every whim that hots me. I heard that as far as life goes, nobody does get out of it alive. We only get one.”
(callback to begin of passage in edit. elaborate and bring back to start topic)
Understanding both sides of the[private] fight or fight reflex starts by calling fear to be ‘courage.’ I thought about it different ways like that. Naturally we all have, in our biology, something that has been referred to as a ‘flight or flight’ response. That being the case, that is all the feeling in my chest was and can be identified with. Initially it was a feeling that was not defined in my head to what it was. When we as human beings have these sorts of feelings that we don’t understand, we do what is necessary to make them go away.
The easiest way, which many of us do before we learn the other side of it, is to do something that makes the feeling go away. In this case this would be avoiding the approach. The feelings subsides and we have relief, therefore we do the same thing next time since this is what we learned will reward us (by making the feeling go away). On the other side of this coin, is that it goes away with the opposite response too (of approaching her), yet the opposite response can bring us some bonuses.
Back when I first noticed this feeling in myself and saw my first reaction was to avoid the interaction & I identified the result. I asked myself “I enjoy social interactions, why would I avoid this?” and I went on to take action to change my habit. Every time that feeling would hit me, I would work with it and walk towards the people I saw, thinking of a nice greeting for that particular moment.
After some time went by with me taking those same actions consciously (walking toward them) every time I felt a feeling, some new habit started to form within me. I didn’t realize it at first since those feelings didn’t come to me every time a similar situation happened but when I did; I was consciously taking the action that opposed my first instinct…which was to avoid the people. My conscious action had me directing my steps to make sure I had an opportunity to greet them in some way and start a conversation. Then there came a point when I saw my ‘conscious competence’, my new habit of knowing what I wanted to do and doing it, turning into ‘unconscious competence’.
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~C.J. “Let d’Adventure Continue” Piona © 2011
[[[ I also respond better to positives reinforcement ]]] Yes, exactly! Every one does grow higher and faster and in a more enjoyable way wotking in the positives. We also have the driving factors that motivate our behavior…i.e. Taking actions that avoid negatives versus taking actions that are pursuing positives.
While it is much more productive and leads to higher successes to be taking actions to be pursuing positives, these also don’t lose momentum the way the other side does. On the positive side, the pleasure of successes further motivates to continue while motivating one to continuously set higher goals.
The ‘avoiding negative’ structure has a person stop pushing one they feel the negative has been avoided.
Why it is more enjoyable is all the feelings that come from imagining the successes, each step further in the direction and the glory felt acieving every mini goal within a larger one.
The reason, I had to switch for a brief moment to the negative was for a quick contrast. Before that I given ou dozens of different positive reeniforcement, structures for positive self-reinforcements, literally lay out of the ‘truth without observations’ to help extinguish any limiting beliefs that the mnd makes up without facts to back them up, tools to use right away that left no negative result to be expected, and much of these expalined in different ways to help make them more clearer in that present moment.
Between each of those I tried to push you into immediate action. The highest amount of learning happens when you are in the experience yourself, having real ‘speed-of-life’ results to be in that you can grow from each time. Each time I tried to push you, you would actively search for a way to avoid it. That is how a limiting habit starts to form. You make excuses. Then for your mind to avoid any cognitive dissonance (which is being debated subconsciously as well), your mind makes you take the actions to back up what you just said, leading to less action.
Your lack of action, in the moment led me to give you a new example, tool, re-enforcement to use as fuel to get up and take action. You would reply with a new excuse of why you were not taking the action. Then your mind would justify it by backing up what you just said by limiting you action to have it congruent with what you just told me (and heard yourself say out loud).
Out loud. You see that is part of the reason I have you state things out loud in their most beneficial way. There is not a person in the world that we believe more than ourselves. Once we are saying things, first in out head, then hearing ourselves say it out loud, we start to believe it more than anything else that comes our way.
So the pattern was happening like this. We would discuss some things to get you ready. What to say, why it is a ‘same or better’ only type of result to expect situation, positive reinforcement, structure for what to do for some self positive reinforcement I would direct you to get up and take steps. You would give me excuse why you would not. your mind would make you not take the actions to justify what you said.
If you take the actions I direct you to, right away, all of the preceding things gets a reward from you taking the actions. You are then in a conversation that anything good can now happen. That is reward, reinforcing you taking the positive actions then getting a small reward for doing so.
But you were still not taking the actions I would direct you too, ((which is the first absolute necessity)) for you getting the dramatic improvement and results I know you will be getting. I know this from years of doing this, with years of study related to social psychology, experimentations in millions of ways, studies throughout learning/memory branch of psychology and endless amount of hours observing real world actions/results.
After seeing the pattern starting to form that way I had to stop it in its tracks. I was giving you tools, quick state improving exercises and direction of what to do in that exact moment. You were making excuses, then taking action to back up your claim. By me giving you those positive reinforcements, and self positive reinforcements after the first run, you were getting a reward in a different way for not taking the action. The positive reenforcements generate good feelings within us. That is less rewarding than what is available thoughout a conversation with a new girl but it is a reward no less. If we continued to do this, it would be rewarding a pattern in you that does not get positive results.
At that point the pattern had to broken to get any actions from you. I had to disrupt the pattern and mix up a few things to start a new one before that one went on any longer. First I stand up to see if you model what I did (which you did at first) then directed you to take the steps again. Now that you are standing, you can just walk over. …But you did not.
I first picked up the glass of water as I stood up. This was for me to take a sip if you just started taking the steps over to the girls but also to have it in my hand if you did not.
Since you did not start taking steps, you started making more excuses and re-justifying your lack of action I had to do something else to break the pattern. That is when I held it over your head, telling you I was about to pour. Logically, in a restaurant like that, I would not really pour water on your head but I had to have you actively imaging that happening for it to be breaking the previous thought/action patterns that were happening. You were imagining what would happen, how bad it would be for me to pour water on you in that situation and understanding the reasons why it would happen, your lack of action.
This was the introduction of contrast happening in the mind. Once you had that fully thought of, the other side of the equation, I could quickly switch back to examples of reward of taking action…or contrasting it again with actions on the positive side. To get the reward quickly seen coming from action within your mind (without you hesitating again on the old pattern) I had to open that first set of girls and introduce you in. For it to work, you need to have the time sequence of action to reward come quickly, especially right at first to get the ball rolling….to generate the momentum in the right direction.
Now although I can do those things (thank my experiences with Anthony Robbins foundation when I lived in San Diego in 99 for structures of breaking negative thought patterns and installing positive/productive ones) the real magic in the attraction/seduction/pickup comes after this.
That being said, when I give you directions, you need to take them, You can trust that from the amount of experience, I have seen a million things done in all sorts of ways and will be directing you in the ways to get you your best results. When I tell you to open a set of girls and then roll right from that one to the next group nearby, you need to open the set of girls and then walk over to the second set to open them as well.
Since I explained to you exactly what to do more than once (since you were trying to over-intellectualize your way out of it), and had you repeat back to me what you would be doing to make sure you were clear. Repeating that back is great. From that point I need you to be taking the steps you just told me you would be taking, not back to me after you just open the first set. This was the previous (negative) pattern trying to get some of that feeling of reward on the tiny scale again without the actions being taken. It wanted more reinforcement without actions taken to earn it. That pattern wont happen again. When I give you instructions, I need you to take them for our time to be well spent.
You know my biggest love in all of this is to see the dramatic results in the guys I help. I know what steps need to be taken to get those results but I need a guy willing to take the steps. Don’t worry, along with what happened last night, there are many other ways to install productive habits and thought pattern over previously repeated negative ones. Approach anxiety will come up a bunch of different way, it still happens in many seasoned guys.
It can be extinguished and those feeling used for what they really are in their best ways. The fight/flight instinct can be used to fuel your best wit to come out, your sharpest calibration, your best game to flourish…you just have to seize it as soon as it comes up to direct it to those places. By sitting there & avoiding action, it becomes the fright reflex in your body… If in the exact moment you feel it, that you start taking those steps it will be motivating those best qualities in you to be at their highest.
Which ever way you go with it at it’s first indication of being in you, that will grow. Similar to ‘Assume the best and you will get closest to, but assume the worst and you will get closest to that too’ as in what is going on within yourself and what responses you are getting from girls…but yes that is a whole other chapter so I will save it for when you are taking the steps regularly as directed.
((((Another reason I charge, even the minimal amounts as I do compared to what I put into it all… for putting in so much work into committed blocks of time is that once guys are ready to take all the steps I direct they hire me for a chunk. This not only shows me their commitment as high as mine for seeing that dramatic progress in their life, this reinforces the commitment within them. I see all the time the difference in taking the steps needed to make major things happen. Once a guy invests some money for my time, he does everything necessary to get the most of his money. Since I am already putting more time into them outside of the chunk and do put as much as possible into the time to maximize its effectiveness, I feel we are more on the same plane of amount of effort put in and desire to see the results possible. ))))
((((Even when it came to the guy we had spoke with. Although we first started back then, that was at first also just a trade of time for time like we do. I don’t know much about video editing, so he was helping me put together an audition video for a project I was asked to be a part of. It wasn’t until a month or 2 ago he decided to sign on for a chunk of my focused time. That is when we could both put our all into everything we do together and he started getting the major results of girls asking for his number, asking him for dates, kissing him in clubs and phucking after a few hours.))))
Yes, exactly! Every one does grow higher and faster and in a more enjoyable way working in the positives. We also have the driving factors that motivate our behavior…i.e. Taking actions that avoid negatives versus taking actions that are pursuing positives.
While it is much more productive and leads to higher successes to be taking actions to be pursuing positives, these also don’t lose momentum the way the other side does. On the positive side, the pleasure of successes further motivates to continue while motivating a person to continuously set higher goals.
The ‘avoiding negative’ structure has a person to stop pushing once they feel the negative has been avoided.
Why it is more enjoyable is all the feelings that come from imagining the successes, each step further in the direction and the glory felt achieving every mini goal within a larger one.
The reason, I had to switch for a brief moment to the negative was for a quick contrast. Before that I given you dozens of different positive reinforcements. These were structures for positive self-reinforcements, literally laying out of the ‘truth without observations’ to help extinguish any limiting beliefs that the mind makes up without facts to back them up and tools to use right away that left no negative result to be expected. Also much of these, I explained in different ways to help make them more clearer in that present moment.
Between each of those I tried to push you into immediate action. The highest amount of learning happens when you are in the experience yourself, having real ‘speed-of-life’ results to be in that you can grow from each time. Each time I tried to push you, you would actively search for a way to avoid it. That is how a limiting habit starts to form. You make excuses. Then for your mind to avoid any cognitive dissonance (which is being debated within a person subconsciously as well), your mind makes you take the actions to back up what you just said, leading to less action in that particular case.
Your lack of action, in the moment led me to give you a new example, tool, re-enforcement to use as fuel to get up and take action. You would reply with a new excuse of why you were not taking the action. Then your mind would justify it by backing up what you just said by limiting you action to have it congruent with what you just told me (and heard yourself say out loud).
Out loud. You see that is part of the reason I have you state things out loud in their most beneficial way.
There is not a person in the world that we believe more than ourselves. Once we are saying things, first in out head, then hearing ourselves say it out loud, we start to believe it more than anything else that comes our way.
So the pattern was happening like this. We would discuss some things to get you ready. What to say, why it is a ‘same or better’ only type of result to expect in the situation, positive reinforcement, structure for what to do for some self positive reinforcement. Then I would direct you to get up and take steps. You would give me excuse why you would not. your mind would make you not take the actions to justify what you said.
If you take the actions I direct you to, right away, all of the preceding things gets a reward from you taking the actions. You are then in a conversation that anything good can now happen. That is reward, reinforcing you taking the positive actions then getting a small reward for doing so.
But you were still not taking the actions I would direct you too, ((which is the first absolute necessity for quickest successful results to start happening)) for you getting the dramatic improvement and results I know you will be getting. I know this from years of doing this, with years of study related to social psychology, experimentation in millions of ways, studies throughout learning/memory branch of psychology and endless amount of hours observing real world actions/results.
After seeing the pattern starting to form that way (reward for negative action) I had to stop it in its tracks. I was giving you tools, quick state improving exercises and directions of what to do in that exact moment.
In response to that, you were making excuses, then taking action to back up your claim. By me giving you those positive reinforcements, and self positive reinforcements after the first run, your mind was getting a reward in a different way for not taking the action.
The positive reinforcements generate good feelings within us. That is a great thing to do right before opening a set, we come in with a great state. Although your mind was getting a reward on a small scale, that is less rewarding than what is available throughout a conversation with a new girl ….but it is a reward no less. If we continued to do this, it would be rewarding a pattern in you that does not get real life positive results with the girls.
At that point the pattern had to broken to get any actions from you happening. I had to disrupt the pattern and mix up a few things to start a new one before that one went on any longer. First I stand up to see if you model what I did (which you did at first) then directed you to take the steps again. Now that you are standing, you can just walk over. …But you did not.
I first picked up the glass of water as I stood up. This was for me to take a sip if you just started taking the steps over to the girls but also to have it in my hand if you did not.
Since you did not start taking steps, you started making more excuses and re-justifying your lack of action.
I had to do something else to break the pattern. That is when I held it over your head, telling you I was about to pour. Logically, I would not really pour water on your head but I had to have you actively imaging that happening for it to be breaking the previous thought/action patterns that were happening in your mind.
You were imagining what would happen, how bad it would be for me to pour water on you in that situation and understanding the reasons why it would happen, your lack of action.
This was the introduction of a contrast happening in the mind. Once you had that fully thought of, the other side of the equation, I could quickly switch back to examples of reward of taking action…or contrasting it again with actions on the positive side.
To get the reward quickly seen coming from action within your mind (without you hesitating again on the old pattern) and avoid the possibility of you hesitating again, I had to open that first set of girls and introduce you in. For it to work, you need to have the time sequence of action to reward come quickly, especially right at first to get the ball rolling….to generate the momentum in the right direction.
Now although I can do those things of breaking patterns within a mind to install or establish new patterns right away (thank my experiences with Anthony Robbins foundation when I lived in San Diego in 99) the real magic in the attraction/seduction/pickup comes after this. All the good stuff I love to teach best happens after the open.
That being said, when I give you directions, I need you to take them. That way I can give you further tools to direct interactions to their best possible places. You can trust that from the amount of experience, I have seen a million things done in all sorts of ways and will be directing you in the ways to get you your best results. When I tell you to open a set of girls and then roll right from that one to the next group nearby, you need to open the set of girls and then walk over to the second set to open them as well.
Since I explained to you exactly what to do more than once (since you were trying to over-intellectualize your way out of it), I had you repeat back to me what you would be doing to make sure you were clear, which you did several times. Repeating that back out loud is great. It makes a comitment in our mind that is harder to forget
From that point I need you to be taking the steps you just told me you would be taking, not back to our table after you just open the first set. This was the previous (negative) pattern trying to get some of that feeling of reward on the tiny scale again without the actions being taken. It wanted more reinforcement without actions taken to earn it.
None of what you did was a mistake, per se. You see that because of it, what can be identified quickly from as to keep it from happening again. Once I can show you what was going on & with that identification to be clear in your mind, you too are in a better place to avoid it from happening again. When I give you instructions, I need you to take them so we can get to the best, most effective, faster result generating stuff as soon as possible. This is what you would want & what I do want the most… to have you getting those dramatic results quickly.
You know my biggest love in all of this is to see the dramatic results in the guys I help. I know what steps need to be taken to get those results but I need a guy willing to take the steps. Don’t worry, along with what happened last night, there are many other ways to install productive habits and positive/productive thought patterns over previously repeated negative ones. Approach anxiety will come up a bunch of different ways, it still happens in many seasoned guys so there are dozens of ways to extinguish it quickly (or use it to your advantage) and just keep rolling.
Those feelings can be used for what they really are in their best ways. The fight/flight instinct can be used to fuel your best wit to come out, your sharpest calibration, your best game to flourish…you just have to seize it as soon as it comes up to direct it to those places for what you want to happen anyways. By sitting there & avoiding action, it becomes the fright reflex in your body… If in the exact moment you feel it, that you start taking those steps toward the cause of the feelings, they will be motivating those best qualities in you to be at their highest.
Which ever way you go with it at it’s first indication of being in you, that will grow. Similar to “assume the best and you will get closest to the best, but assume the worst and you will get closest to that too” as in what is going on within yourself and what responses you are getting from girls…but yes that is a whole other chapter so I will go into those when you are taking the steps that get you to those situations as they arise.
You are paid in full so far as we agreed to exchange of time for time…this next part is just an explanation of what happens:
(((( Another reason I charge, even the minimal amounts as I do compared to what I put into it all… for putting in so much work into committed blocks of time is that once guys are ready to take all the steps I direct they hire me for a chunk. This not only shows me their commitment is as high as mine for seeing that dramatic progress in their life, this reinforces the commitment within them. This reinforced commitment pushes the action in of itself, which works best for both of us involved.
I see all the time the differences in taking the steps needed to make major things happen. Once a guy invests some money for my time, he does everything necessary to get the most of his money. Since I am already putting more time into them outside of the chunk we set up and do put as much as possible into the time to maximize its effectiveness, I feel we are more on the same plane of amount of effort put in and desire to see the results possible. ))))
((((Even when it came to the guy we had spoke about that I recently worked with for those dramatic results, there was a switch, an increase in motivation for that reason. Although we first started a bunch of months ago, at first that also was just a trade of time for time like you & I are doing.
I don’t know much about video editing, so he was helping me put together an audition video for a project I was asked to be a part of from a casting company.
From our beginning stuff, he saw what was possible in the progress from the starter seeds I gave him. It wasn’t until a month or 2 ago he decided to sign on for chunks of my focused time. . That is when we could both put our ‘all’ into everything we do together and he started getting much more major results of girls asking for his number, asking him for dates, kissing him in clubs and phucking after a few hours.))))
There are other ways to seize our internal motivation and cancel our outcome dependency or goal driven nature to let our whole mind be more ok with just working on the process and the steps between it. This is much better than our mind wanting perfect results every time. When our internal mind can take this off its priority list, our behaviors are much more attractive to women in the subtle things they can detect about us.
Next time we go out together I can show you how one of these structures works. That is a way, to get our mind focused on something other than wanting a specific result from an interaction before we are in it. This also helps to snuff out the approach anxiety since our subconscious has a different goal point in mind. It keeps our conscious thoughts from caring what really happens in any interaction we are in.
Having those to factors canceled, we find we are well into a conversation before we even realize to decide if we want to hang out with the girl again. It makes it much easier to decide on a case by case basis depending on the girl spoken with, to decide if she is cute, there is chemistry whatever….also is much easier to be planting those seeds to get her chasing when we really don’t care if she like us or not in a romantic way.
“Let d’Adventure Continue”
~C.J. ‘The Siege’
** [[Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions.[2] Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying. It is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology.
People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.
A classical example of this idea (and the origin of the expression “sour grapes”) is expressed in the fable The Fox and the Grapes by Aesop (ca. 620–564 BCE). In the story, a fox sees some high-hanging grapes and wishes to eat them. When the fox is unable to think of a way to reach them, he surmises that the grapes are probably not worth eating, as they must not be ripe or that they are sour. This example follows a pattern: one desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one’s dissonance by criticizing it. Jon Elster calls this pattern “adaptive preference formation.”[1] (en.wikipedia.org)]]
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~C.J. “Let d’Adventure Continue” Piona © 2011
[private]So how do you live that life?
It’s all about passion, purpose, and self expression. It’s all about maximizing every goddamn nanosecond of the day and engineering it for MAX fun.
It’s about having your favorite songs playing at all times on full blast cuzz it’s just who you are and that’s the way it is. And you fucking love it. (Click title for full story)
↓ Read the rest of this entry…
has let the art of socializing slip through the cracks. Most people have been leaving their lives as if they are here to live in order to work rather than working in order to live. A key benefit to life in itself seems [private] to be lost as we no longer set aside time to meet new people as we used to.
It is key to make socializing a priority in your list of things to do. By starting out with steps you can turn this into a habit and by this you will get very and regularly good at it. Set aside time every week to get very involved with the people you do know, enjoying their lives with them. Take some time to cultivate relationships with people that you know less just as an acquaintance maybe. When you touch base with a new person again asked them to share conversation and copy it at some time.
It is very good to be entertaining at your home once a week. On top of this you should absolutely accept all invitations that you get. You can arrange to have a dinner party once a week and to the people that you invite encourage your guests to bring new people you have not met before. Have friends over for a potluck. “Why don’t you come along and go ahead and bring a friend. I’d like to meet new people.”
Classes that involve social interaction are great places to meet new people. Topics such as cooking, wine tasting, foreign language often have much student to student participation rather than a bunch of people in their own listening to a lecture.
When you find yourself in these venues with people make sure you sit in the middle. That’s where the popular people often sit in those that sit in the center are the ones that get noticed.
In this world there is no rejection, all there is is selection. Odds habit that one out of 16 eligible people will be your matched opposite therefore being your click. Remember that blissful and relaxed feeling when talking to certain people that you just know that you guys get along effortlessly and might be friends forever.
Rejection is a chance for self reflection, learning how to alter your next time. Ask yourself “what did I learn?” And follow this question up with statements to how and what you will do differently next time. A person who will do the same thing over and over again will get the same results. Those who expect different results will be disappointed. Any time you see rejection is merely a cue to move onto the next person. You have been saved time by finding out what this person is like pretty quickly. Easy to move to the next one. [/private]
..that has wifi, where I frequently work at when I have things to do near a mealtime. Confidently I walked up to the counter. On my walk I noticed the tattoos on the arm of the cashier.
As I walked up, I looked at him, smiled & told him “Hi, Nice ink” and went on wiith my order without waiting for a ‘thanks’ to my observation that might have sounded like a compliment.
He did squeeze in a thanks but listened to my order. As he was gathering part of it, we chatted about Christmas shopping.
I have a couple of friends who work at this place but do not know everyone who works there nor did I know the people there that night.
I noticed how the three clerks were making moves to look like they were helping but get involved in the conversation. The girl who moved close, flashing me looks and tiny smiles had a nametag that I read.
“Rosy, you’re a girl. You must have all of your c shopping done by now.”
She agreed “You know how we do it.” as I saw the other clerk moving in with a soda for me as he made a few comments.
Sure it is a friendly place but I could see my energy was drawing nearby people in.
I took my soda and table number as I went to sit down near the plug I always use for my laptop. As I turned the corner i saw an attractive woman sitting alone with her shopping bags in the other seat. I simplysaid hi to her as I passed and sat in the table behind where she was, where the outlet is.
Rosy came over with my order and a second soda as I explained I had one. “Ok take that one too.” as she pointed out what was on my tray and very sincerely asked me if I wanted anything else.
“Like what?” I asked.
then she suggested ketchup for my fries and I asked for hot sauce. When she brought the regular hot sauce she started telling me about their buffalo sauce and how good it was.
I just looked at her, enjoying her tlaking. She was a pretty girl, i was just soaking her in while she talked. Then she said “Hold on, let me get you some, it is reallly good. I just smiled.
when she came back with it, she was telling me how she plans on being a wedding planner. She talked about how that was the first thing she ever remebers wanting to be as a kid and now is in school for that career.
“What does it mean when a person continues to pursue the path they wanted as a kid?” She asked me out of nowhere. I though in my head: ‘how would I know’ but I gave her my best guess.
“I would guess you are a comitted, devoted, passionate person. One who is determined to catch her dreams no matter what.”
There’s little doubt that friends are easier to persuade than strangers. That emotional connection and shared history is often enough to get the poor wretches doing things they’d rather avoid, like helping us move home.
Forgive the mercenary language, but friendship is a fantastic lever for persuasion and influence, a lever we happily push on every day.
But how much does someone have to like us before we can start to influence them? And, more to the point, can only the most fleeting attraction[private] help us persuade
them to comply with a request?
Jerry Burger and colleagues at Santa Clara University used a sneaky experimental set-up to test this out (Burger et al., 2001). On arrival at the lab, participants were told the study was about first impressions and were asked to choose 20 adjectives which best described them from a list of 50 supplied.
The idea, they were told, was that they would swap lists with another participant in the experiment, then fill out some more questionnaires. After which, experiment over; back to the student bar. In fact the real test was coming.
The 20 adjectives from the ‘other person’ weren’t really from another person, it was part of the experimental manipulation. By varying the number of adjectives the ‘other person’ had ticked, the researchers were dividing participants into three groups:
The experimenters were manipulating liking between participants and the ‘other person’ by using what psychologists call the ‘mere similarity’ effect. This is people’s tendency to like others more because of some slight similarity with themselves. It could be a friend in common or something as trivial as their names starting with the same letter.
So, when participants left the lab, what a surprise, the person they thought they had been exchanging self-descriptive adjectives with just happened to be walking down the corridor with them.
Then the moment of truth. In passing the participant was asked for a favour: would they mind reading an 8-page essay and providing a page of feedback?
Even this seemingly trivial manipulation of adjectives-in-common had a measurable effect. People who thought they were dissimilar only complied with the request 43% of the time. This went up to 60% in the neutral condition. But in the similar condition, compliance went up to an impressive 77%, almost double the dissimilar condition.
The experimenters also did the same experiment in a couple of other ways but reached the same conclusion. Whether the fleeting attraction was caused by choosing the same adjectives or sitting together silently for a couple of minutes, it was enough to double compliance to a request.
This experiment suggests that fleeting attraction can be remarkably powerful in changing ‘no’ into ‘yes’. We process relatively small requests in an automatic way, using simple rules-of-thumb. When asked for a small favour by a stranger, we make a snap judgment on how much we like them based on trivial information, and this can have a huge influence on our response.
(http://www.spring.org.uk/2010/11/the-influence-of-fleeting-attraction.php)
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[[ I come & ask how they're doing & I get little interest. I can't start telling a story because they're barely listening. Downstairs, I approached three girls at the corner of the bar & had kind of the same thing. Absolutely no interest, In fact, two of the girls wouldn't even look at me, (& yes, I resorted to introducing myself) they continued their conversation as if I wasn't there.]]
By asking how they’re doing, you are asking for a return on your investment (of nothing yet) of saying hi.
Do not notice ore care if they are listening as you begin. The club has a lot of noise, a lot of action. You can come in and bee more interesting that all going on around them.
When you start, with something like “You won’t believe what happened!” In a loud, high energy way….don’t depend on them even asking ‘What?” to continue. Even if a girl isn’t looking at you, if you are loud enough she will hear every word and turn to you once you get rolling. Often girls will stay faced the opposite direction (if I start talking to them while they are faced the other way) for a few sentences.
They will see the confidence to continue a the story, and sometimes wont turn until the first part begins to sink in and the understand that you are talking to them and what the story is starting to be about.
This is another reason why having your own canned material, (or even another on well rehearsed) will give you a few minutes to keep talking while they are feeling out your vibe, and the topic, and understanding how to respond as they are getting engaged in listening.
At first, like the group I came in, those girls were already in conversations, in mindsets before someone comes in. That first few minutes gets their mind off the previous topic and learning what the new one is about.
I would have ( and will note this in future) to start with some story blasting right away. I figured after a few minutes you would have the tempo set somewhere and wanted to stay congruent to whatever you had set.
[[[ I come & ask how they're doing & I get little interest ]]]
You are not going to have any interest until you give them things to be interested in. Stories and conversations with you taking up 90% of the talking time. You start to back off the % amount as you see them contributing but they wont until they have something to contribute to that is more than just saying hi.
It is good to be at an energy level slightly higher than theirs as you go in. Coming in with a vibe that is looking a bit more fun than where they were before you stepped up will be attractive in itself. I would tap people then “HEY! What’s up!” with huge smiles and my arms in the air. “I can’t believe tonight is last night at VOX, we better party like rockstars tonight!!”
Most of them didn’t know that VOX was closing so I told them all I had heard. (New ownership, closed toll April, they were running out of liquor already, ect…)
Coming up with a high energy, ready with a story, regardless of the interest you see will cause them to come up to your energy, will be attractive since it is more fun than what they were doing before they got there and shows your confidence is not dependent on what you are getting back (also very attractive).
[[[they continued their conversation as if I wasn't there.]]]]
Yes. See they were already in a conversation. they will continue it until something more fun, more interesting catches their attention and then they will follow along. They are not going to hear your greeting and then stop what they were talking about to spin your direction and give you full attention to hear what you have to say.
I even popped in the twix bar story a few times that night…It is not asking anything about her, not asking for her response, I can just talk for a few minutes about a crazy thing I saw in Central square while she gets used to my vibe, sees me laughing about it, and agree with me that the guy must be crazy for stealing a whole box.
Even while I am telling the story i will fish for small participation.
“You’ll never guess what happened!” (small pause, she may ask ‘what?’ which is good, but if not I will continue) I was passing a 7-11 and this guy was leaving the store with a WHOLE BOX of twix bars. I know, not a single candybar but a whole box. This was down in Central Square.” (I see her nodding knowing Central square.)
“Did you know there is a 7-11 in Central square?” yes, I know this question is silly but she went with it. She play-mocked disbelief with a hand to her mouth and tells me sarcastically: “No sah, really?!?”
I work with her play-mock: “Seriously, I know it’s hard to believe but they actually have one of those rare finds right in Central Square…” and I play-mock her right back: “But you probably don’t keep up on these essential tidbits since I bet you are too busy, stuck at home, crocheting to make ends meet these days…” and she bounce right back with “Ya, crocheting and some needlepoint for the holiday season, the demand is the highest.”
[[[[ I guess I need some kind of canned material, tailored for my personality (at least for night game, daygame seems more natural). I am not going into these sets with confidence, & until I can run the first two minutes of a conversation I will not be able to move to the next step. That is my biggest problem right now. The first two minutes. ]]]
Yes, brainstorm and write out your stories, you should have those well rehearsed to keep talking for that first few minutes.
I will write again to give you some trivial stories and wacky trivia facts to sprinkle in, girls don’t care if the topic jumps around a bit then touches back on previous topics you discussed, it is like how old friends talk – without a linear time-line.
* “I was thinking of opening a personal ad. How does this sound for a headline “Hopeless romantic seeks filthy whore’..?”
* “Do you know how big the Statue of Liberty’s mouth is?” (she says no) “It is 3 feet across!…and I thought YOU had a big mouth, gabberjaw” (if she hasn’t said much after like 5 minutes but stayed engaged in the conversation.)
* “You know a leopard can carry 2 times it’s body weight into a tree. That really has nothing to do with anything but if nothing else, later you can be like; ‘I learned something. That guy is like a damn Snapple’. You may like the flavor, but once you pop the top you are like: ‘Damn, the sun is hot. FORTY FIVE million degrees Fahrenheit, IT FEELS warmer, Tahoe is west of LA?!? Bullshit Snapple. The I saw the globe and I’m like: ‘I’m sorry Snapple. You are ALWAYS RIGHT!” to which many girl will point out that Snapple facts are not always right. Now there is playful controversy to play with and I will ask them a Snapple fact they heard that is not true…with credible references to prove their erroneous claims.
(Also if you did not like VOX, tell me what clubs you do like and what you like about them.)
[[[Being as tall as I am some people may see me as a threat,]]]
That’s your own mind adding things that other people do not. As soon as conversation is rolling, they get a feel of your personality which is attractive and non-threatening. Girls LOVE tall guys.Short guys have more to get past since girls always want a guy taller than them.
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