Did you send any message in this last email? It didn’t come through.
On Tue, Oct 2, 2012 at 10:33 PM, C.J. Piona-Clark wrote:
On Sun, Sep 30, 2012 at 10:07 PM, **-**** ** wrote:
You asked me to write down stories about the girls that I talked to. Here are a few (more later). One of them you and I sort of already discussed.
I met Alisha at a dance camp that I attended in early July. The dance camp is a major event, with hundreds of people attending from all over the place. It is held yearly at Endicott College in Beverly. People attending stay on the campus, in the dorms, and eat all meals together in the cafeteria. So it’s like a big but intimate get-together.
So the first day I was there, at lunchtime, I saw this very attractive girl sitting by herself at lunchtime. I said to myself, I have to go up to her and just sit down and eat lunch with her. CJ would tell me to do that. Trying to build my courage, I told myself, I’m not going to be my usual shy self. I’m not going to just go sit alone and ignore her. So I sat down at her table, and introduced myself. I thought she was very pretty. Small, short, thin, cute heart-shaped face, and quite voluminous brown hair. Not long hair, but very thick hair, parted in the middle and flowing down the sides of her head. Really flat tummy. And a very nice chest too, which she was showing off with a tight, low-cut shirt. She seemed very outgoing, very lively.
I met her again at the dance that evening. At the dance, she wore a red dress, red as a fire engine, and again low cut and tight around her chest (I thought to myself that she probably knows she has a very nice chest). She looked completely captivating. I danced with her a couple of times, and unfortunately I didn’t dance that well because I’m a beginner and moreover it was the first dance I ever attended in my life. She, on the other hand, was an “advanced” dancer. She’d been dancing for quite a long while and knew a lot about Swing dancing. So I was disappointed in myself, because I thought I really hadn’t been at my best with her, and thought for sure she wasn’t going to think much of me.
The next evening, there was another dance. And so I met Alisha again. I did somehow get the courage to ask her to dance again, in spite of the previous evening’s awfulness, and this time I did much better. She noticed, and even said, oh, this time is much better. Later in the evening, she actually came up to me and said she was going back to her room, and would I like to have the last dance with her. I was just so completely thrilled, I really was, especially because she was an advanced dancer, and yet she was still willing to dance with me, a complete beginner who also had really messed up dancing with her the previous day. I thought she must be a very nice person, and not at all arrogant, and probably very forgiving. All things that I think are wonderful to have in a girl.
So we danced that last dance, and after that, she left the dance floor. I was still talking to her, so I just followed her and kept talking to her. We talked for a while after that, even though she had said she was planning to go back to her room. I found out a lot more about her. She was a tour guide in Louisiana, and she had majored in German in college. So we talked about languages, a favorite subject of mine actually, and we talked about Russian, which neither of us knew but each of us mentioned the few Russian words that we did know. So she then asked me what did I like to do other than dancing. So I said I was trying to do more activities, like dancing, instead of staying at home, sitting in my favorite chair. I was trying to joke with her, and so I told her that really all I did was sit at home in my favorite chair. She thought that was funny. She said she was completely the opposite, and loved parties and going out. I told her she probably had the ideal personality to be a tour guide, and she agreed with that. So then I asked her how often she came to Boston, and I said to her maybe when she visited next, we could go dancing. And she said, but then you’d have to get out of your chair and leave your apartment. And I said yes, but I would have a very good reason to get out of my chair. She smiled, and I guess she got what I was trying to say to her, even though the moment I said it, I thought maybe I should have put it more strongly. So I didn’t really know what to do next, and so I said to her, maybe she could take my email address, and send me email when she was next coming to Boston. So she did that, and then she left.
I had the vague sense that I should have tried to do more with her, though I wasn’t sure exactly what. And then after that evening, I didn’t see her any more, because I think that her last day at camp and after that she went back to Louisiana. I wished I could have made something more happen, but I really didn’t know what or how. And I thought I should somehow have expressed to her how much I liked her, and how great looking I thought she was, but I didn’t know how to do that either.
One thing that surprised me was that no other men seemed to be trying to talk to her. I seemed to be the only one. So I think I had her all to myself, and again, that really made me think I should somehow have made more of my time with her. If only I knew how.
I’ll be thinking about her for a long while. I know it doesn’t make any sense to do that, but I know I’ll end up doing it anyway.
I recently took a short dance class (Swing dancing), and during the last 3 sessions, I met a girl named Julia. She was another short, thin girl. She was wearing shorts, and I could see she had nice legs, very toned. She had on a blue v-neck t-shirt. By coincidence, it was similar to the v-neck t-shirt that I was wearing myself. She didn’t have as cute a face as Alisha, but still I liked her immediately as soon as I met her. She was very lively and smiling. During class, she told me her name, and I made myself remember it.
The way the dance class works, in each session, right after the instruction is over, we can find a partner to practice with for 30 minutes. I saw nobody had asked Julia, so I walked over towards her, trying to build up my courage as I walked.
She was already practicing by herself, practicing something called a “solo Charleston.” This is a dance move that is solo and so a partner isn’t necessary. I stood near her, but she was intent on her practicing and she didn’t even look up or otherwise seem to register that I was there. So that was kind of discouraging. So I was going to walk away, but instead I just started practicing the same solo charleston thing that she was doing. And then after a while, she was talking to the teacher, and then after that, she left. So I really didn’t get a chance to talk to her or practice dancing with her. That was kind of discouraging.
But I tried not to get discouraged, and at the following week’s class, at the practice session, I walked up to Julia again to try to talk to her. So she actually apologized for not talking to me the previous week, and she said she saw me walk up to her, and she thought it was great that I was practicing the solo charleston alongside her. She said she felt bad for not speaking to me, but she said she had really wanted to get the solo charleston nailed down, that’s why she didn’t speak. I shrugged it off, I said it was ok, it was just fine with me, not letting on how discouraged I had felt. Trying to compliment her, and put her at ease, I told her she was doing a good thing, being very focused on the dancing. So then this time, we practiced dancing together, instead of doing the solo charleston stuff. After we practiced, she asked me if I was walking to the green line. I said yes, so we walked to the green line together (the St Mary’s stop on the C line). On the way there, I learned she had been taking Swing dancing lessons for a while, so she was actually an advanced student, not a beginner like me. I also told her about the dance camp I attended over the summer. It seemed to impress her that I went, maybe because I told her how fun it was and how she should go to the next one. I also told her that the female dance instructor, Aurelie, had made special arrangements so that I could attend the dance camp (which was absolutely true). So Julia said to me, oh, so you’re like Aurelie’s special student. I said maybe not quite a special student, but I said Aurelie did seem to be taking care of me (which is also absolutely true). Then the green line train arrived, and Julia went (she was going outbound, and I was going inbound).
At the last and final class session, Julia seemed especially fun and pleasant. When we were dancing, she squeezed my hands in hers and smiled. I did smile back, and I was really pleased, but I was also kind of startled, and I didn’t really know how to react. Later, a long while afterwards, I thought to myself, I should have squeezed her hands back, right back at her, why didn’t I do that?
So after class was over, I asked her if she was walking to the green line, like she did the previous week, She said she was, and she was leaving in a few moments. But actually a few moments turned into several minutes, because she was talking with some other people. So I just hung around, talking to other people in the class. I didn’t want to leave without her because this was the last opportunity to talk to Julia, since it was the last class. So eventually we left together, and we walked to the green line. She saw her train coming, and so she ran to catch it, without really even saying good bye to me, but then she missed it. She came walking back to where I was, and she said maybe it was good that she missed the train, because now she could say good bye to me properly. It was the last class, and what was going through my mind was how I would ever see her again. I suggested that maybe she and I could go dancing together sometime, but she really didn’t seem to respond to that. So I said to her, how will I ever see you again. So she said maybe she would take another dance class, and she would see me there. And then she said good bye, because she said she had to go to the store for some things. And that was the last I ever saw of her.
I felt kind of discouraged, because I couldn’t figure out what else I could have done, and I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. It seemed like she liked me, but maybe I was wrong. Also, it seemed like I should have been able to get her contact information, and I’m pretty sure other guys in the same situation would have been able to. But I couldn’t make it work, which was really too bad, because Julia was quite likable and I was certainly very attracted to her (hough maybe not quite as much as I was to Alisha). And again, as with Alisha, I had noticed that no other guys seemed to be after Julia, so I sort of had her all to myself. It wasn’t like I had any competition, and still I couldn’t get anything to happen.
This is one of the worst stories, because it ended sort of badly, for me.
At work, over the summer, we had a summer intern named Anna. She was a graduate student in computer science in Pennsylvania, at Lehigh University.
I had sort of noticed her, because she was very attractive. Really great face, thick black hair, very small and thin, probably weighed about what I do. Somebody had actually introduced us earlier when she first arrived, but I didn’t really try to talk to her. I’m not really sure why. Well, I kind of knew she had a boyfriend, a serious one, back in Pennsylvania, so maybe that’s why.
Anyway, one day, in the middle of the summer, we were at a lunch party, and she sat next to me at the lunch table. We introduced ourselves, and chatted. She reminded me that I’d already met her, that we’d already been introduced earlier in the summer, and she seemed a little miffed that I didn’t remember her name. Anyway, we got over that, and we chatted about a bunch of stuff. She was originally from Iran, and so we talked about Iranian food. I told her that one of my favorite dishes is an Iranian dish called zureshk polo, and she was really impressed that knew the name of an Iranian dish. I told her that in Los Angeles, there are tons of Iranians, and tons of Iranian restaurants. She really liked that somehow. She was very lively, very outgoing, with a very expressive face. I liked her instantly, though I reminded myself that she had a boyfriend (actually she mentioned the boyfriend too, so it wasn’t like I could forget that). At the end of the lunch, she said she was going out with friends during the weekend , and would I like to come along. So we exchanged cell phone numbers.
So I didn’t manage to meet her during the weekend. Somehow we thought we were going to meet up at a movie theater, but something screwed up, and we ended up not meeting. In fact, that sort of thing, where she was with friends and I was going to meet them all at some place, but ended up not meeting them, because something or somebody screwed up, happened once more.
Finally, we arranged a third meeting, at the movie theater, to see Brave, a movie she had said she wanted to see (so that’s why I suggested the movie). So she showed up at the theater, and this time we managed to get everything right and actually meet. But nobody was with her. She had come by herself. When we met at the theater, as I walked up to her, she made a very brief movement like she was going to hug me, or something like that. It definitely registered in my consciousness, but I didn’t hug her, I just stood there. So I don’t know exactly what happened at that moment. She seemed really pleased to see me, and I think I was projecting pleasure at seeing her too, because indeed I was pleased, really really pleased. She was wearing a simple outfit, just t-shirt and shorts, but I thought it was a really great outfit, really attractive. The t-shirt had a picture of something on it, and it was sort of torn or had a cutout at the neckline. It was kind of tight around her stomach, and showed how flat her tummy was. She wore the same outfit at work several times, and once I told her how great I thought the outfit was.
Anyway, we watched the movie, and then we took the red line home. She asked me to walk her home, because her place was not that close to the Davis T stop, and she was a little afraid of walking late at night around there. So I did that for her. We chatted for a few moments outside her place, and then she went inside, and I left.
One thing she said was she was glad this third meeting actually worked. She said she was beginning to think that she and I were jinxed, and she was glad it turned out not to be true. I replied that I was certainly glad too.
She was a really outgoing girl, always had some activity with friends or whatever lined up for the weekend and even during the weekdays. But I started to notice something. Whenever she and I did something together, we were always alone, nobody else was ever along. It was never a group activity, even though I knew she did a lot of group activities with people from work. I kind of liked being alone with her. Actually I liked it a lot. I knew it was kind of fake, because she had a boyfriend, but, I couldn’t help liking it anyway, and I really enjoyed being with her.
The other thing that started happening is that she and I would have lunch at work together, in the company cafeteria. We started having lunch together every single day, most of the time by ourselves. She liked to take noontime exercise classes in the company gym, so I would schedule my lunches to be after her exercise was over. Every day she would send me email, or I would send her email, about lunch. If I couldn’t make lunch that day, I would tell her beforehand. Once, she told me her exercise class was going to run over, so I just went to have lunch by myself. But as I was walking out the door of our building, she had seen me and so she ran after me, saying she would be ready for lunch in a few minutes. So I got to have lunch with her even that day.
Once, on our way to lunch, she said to me that she should have met me 2 years ago, and then she grabbed my waist lightly for a moment. I was startled, but I did have enough presence of mind to do the same thing back to her, but without saying anything (I really didn’t know what to say). I really wasn’t sure what she meant, and she didn’t elaborate.
So we would go out together, sometimes on weekdays, sometimes on weekends. A lot of the time, she was doing some other activity or other, or her boyfriend would be visiting. But I felt she was making an effort to make some time for me, whenever she could. One Tuesday, she asked me if I wanted to go to the Kendall Square Theater in Cambridge to see a movie. I said sure, and so we went to the theater and we ate at the Afghani restaurant near there, a restaurant called The Helmand. I had suggested the restaurant, being pretty sure she would like it, and she did. I drove the both of us there from work. She was wearing that outfit that I liked so much, the simple t-shirt with the shorts.
After the movie, I drove the two of us back to her car, so she could pick up her car and drive home. I parked next to her car, and said good night. We were sitting in my car, in the dark, and she was fumbling for her keys, or with her keys, or something, I don’t know exactly what. I got the vague feeling that I was supposed to do something, not sure why I got that feeling. But, as usual, I just sat there, not sure of what I was feeling or why or what I was supposed to do about it or anything else. So she got out of my car, and I said goodnight again, and she drove home. I later texted her to be sure she got home ok, and she responded that she did.
So this is how it went for half the summer, ever since I met her at the lunch party and we exchanged cell numbers. The situation just about drove me nuts, because I was starting to really really like her, probably because of all the time we were spending together and seeing her every day at work and at lunch. I just didn’t know what to do about the situation. I didn’t know whether she liked me or not, and anyway I was always thinking to myself she had a serious boyfriend, and she would even tell me a few things about him–it was all a mess in my mind. I did tentatively tell her once or twice that I would miss her when she left–I didn’t know how much to say or how far to take it, so I didn’t say too much about that. She did seem to enjoy hearing it, though.
Also, I knew it was inevitably coming to an end, since she was leaving at the end of the summer. That day arrived, towards the end of August, on a Friday. That was the last time I saw her. What I didn’t predict was what would happen to me that weekend. It was just about the most horrible weekend I have ever spent. I felt a depression and a mental blackness such as I had not ever felt, and keep in mind I rarely feel depressed or sad about anything. I was unable to do anything or think anything that weekend. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, and I couldn’t understand why my mind was in the state that it was. At some point, I did realize it must be because of Anna, because she was gone. It sounded so silly, and yet it had to be the explanation, because nothing else could be the explanation. This horrible mental state lasted for a week. A girl from work, Bonnie, who knew Anna also, said to me, So, Anna is gone, isn’t she? Normally, I wouldn’t have let my awful mental state show, but this time, I couldn’t help it. I replied in a pained voice, I knoooow! I knoooow! and I think I let the pain show on my face. I kind of lost my composure, and that never happens. Who knows what Bonnie thought. I was later a little disappointed with myself, for letting those emotions show, especially to a co-worker.
Eventually, after a week, my mental state returned to normal, thankfully.